and the Oscar goes to...: why Sistas need to stop faking orgasms

© Rawpixel.com/Adobe Stock

© Rawpixel.com/Adobe Stock

you know how it goes. Brothaman swerves to the left and you wished he stayed right. or jerks to the right and your g-spot is just left of center.

he’s jackhammering you like a porn star, when you’d prefer a slow, melodic rhythm. you’re lying underneath him, writhing in pain and he thinks you’re quaking with pleasure. you want this over with—STAT.

so, instead of directing him (“more to the left,” “slower,” “not so hard”) you put on your Viola Davis cap and get ready to “come.”

except you ain’t going nowhere.

your moans come on stronger. your breaths come on quicker. your screams begin to escalate. you are in the throes of passionless sex and this is the only way you think you can get out of it without hurting his ego.

because men are obsessed with performing well during (what i like to call) “sexy time.”

you scream and holler like the scene from “When Harry Met Sally” and, finally, once he’sclimaxed, he rolls over, satisfied, with his stellar performance—which for you was, at best, lackluster and, at worst, a waste of time. 

 I could’ve been catching up on “This is Us.”

now, whenever this Brotha thinks of you, he’s going to recall how he made you “come” while you recoil at the fact that there’s no motion in his ocean.

while it is your fault, Sis, i don’t blame you.

Black Christian women have been conditioned to believe that we are inherently evil and our sexuality is something to be contained. we are lied to about our sensuality from pulpits. the Bible is misinterpreted and used as a weapon against us instead of the liberating tool that (in spite of its being written by men, for men, with a particular agenda, at a particular time) it is.

we also live in a hyper-repressed/hyper sexualized society that condemns or reveres women’s bodies and sensuality when it’s convenient for the system. you can’t hear every single Sunday: 

“if you have sex before marriage you’re going to hell.”

“good girls don’t give head.”

“keep your legs closed.”

and expect to develop a holistic, morally sound, judgment free theology around your sexuality. it doesn’t work that way.

so if we have so much shame about our bodies, we are often ill-equipped to talk ABOUT our bodies. this goes for minimizing your symptoms because you’re intimidated in the doctor’s office or avoiding seeking care for a vaginal itch or burn because you don’t want to admit to yourself that you may have contracted a sexually transmitted disease.

your body is indeed the temple of the holy ghost. with all of its curves and stretch marks, with all of its abuse and misuse—you are holy.

 and it’s time for you to be whole, Sis.

God does not call us to sever our sexuality from our faith. God created us with sensual urges and desires. women have needs! just ask the clitoris. *eyes emoji*

I know God created pleasure because God created the clitoris. the clitoris has ONE job. one, singular, solitary job. ONE singular sensation. 

and it’s critical to acknowledge that in cultures where female genital mutilation is still happening, it is because patriarchal societies do not know how to honor (nor handle) the divine sacred feminine. there is no reason why young girls’ clitorises should be sliced off or labia (majora) sewn together. there is no reason why Black women’s bodies are not staunchly and fiercely protected.

criminally, society doesn’t give a shit about Black girls or women. and that notion is especially painful is when misogynoir rears its ugly head in Black religious spaces.

the Black Church WOULD NOT EXIST without Black women. our hands clean it, our recipes feed it, our tithes fund it. so this means that your church should be a site of wholeness and restoration, not stigma and shame.

because if we don’t talk about sex, we can never talk about having good sex. And if we’re not talking about good sex, we are certainly not talking about bad sex nor **trigger warning--sexual assualt** nonconsensual sex otherwise known as rape. if you feel shame after a sexual encounter, how will you ever be able to discuss it freely and openly? if you don’t even know what you like how can you tell your partner what you like?

sexuality is a gift. and healthy, consensual sex (between you and your partner/partners) is good. but just because sex is good, don’t mean sex is GOOD. it means, if he’s worth it, you’ll teach him what you like.

since, newsflash!every woman is different. so you and your girls can run down the list of what y’all like, but you won’t know until you try. and you can’t try until you and your partner are on the same page.

because he’s going to keep doing what he’s been doing and you’re going to keep faking. and life is too stressful as a Black woman in a racist, sexist, xenophobic, patriarchal, misogynistic, misogynoirist, capitalist, corrupt world for you to not be coming. 

so the next time there’s a desire to put on an Oscar-worthy performance, resist the urge to serve his ego. try whispering “slower” when he’s gunning too fast; or “a little to the left” when he’s a bit off. or“stay right there” when he’s right on the money. any man worth your yoni will be grateful for the direction because his sole desire is to please you. if he doesn’t heed, he doesn’t deserve your goodies, anyway. you are a gift meant to be treasured and a treasure worth exploring...act like you know.

Orgasms are life force. they relieve stress and release endorphins (the feel good chemical). orgasms channel creativity and inspiration. orgasms are good. you deserve orgasms. orgasms are your birthright. 

if you’re more comfortable broaching the topic with your partner outside of sexy time, you might wait until breakfast the next morning or during a commercial break while you’re watching the game and try something like, “hey, boo. i really like it when you ___________.” 

also, “can we try ___________ next time? 

his only response should be, “yes and amen.” (or, at the very least, “heard.”)

life is too short to have sucky sex. let’s shed the shame of antiquated ideology, step into our sacred feminine power as daughters of the Divine, take ownership

of our sensuality, and express our sexuality as we see fit. 

and for Sistas who experience sexual encounters with men, recondition yourself to stop faking orgasms and start making magic. because if his ego is bigger than his dick, he’s a bigger dick anyway.

throw him back, Sis...there’s plenty of peen in the sea.

Pastor Lyvonne Proverbs, a New York City native, is a body and sex-positive preacher, transformational speaker, poet, educator, and creative social entrepreneur working to end #ChurchToo. An Emmy-award-winning media producer, Pastor Lyvonne is the founder of beautiful scars (@WereSurthrivors), an online storytelling agency focused on trauma, healing, and resiliency. She is committed to eradicating childhood sexual abuse in and beyond Black religious spaces. Pastor Lyvonne has been featured in ESSENCE and Cosmopolitan and Sojourners named her one of “11 Women Shaping the Church.” She is a proud member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Incorporated and currently based in Atlanta, GA.